Love It or Leavitt

North Korean Jealousy

White House Press Briefing Room, 31 January 2025.

Karoline Leavitt: “Good afternoon. Welcome to all of you. I’m happy to answer your questions now. Let’s start with Bob from JIK, on left.”

Bob: “Thank you. Bob Binderbell with Jesus Is King News. I have two questions. First, I absolutely adore your crucifix. Can I ask you where you got it?”

Leavitt: “Thanks, Bob. It is a 3-5/8ths, silver plated Biffany. I bought it in downtown Houston at Crucifixes-R-Us. Next?”

Bob: “My next question is about the tariffs that are being imposed by the greatest president to ever rule over the United States. Can you tell the American people how awesome these tariffs are and how they will immediately make their lives more awesome?”

Leavitt: “Bob, I am glad you asked that. As you know, our great president has said that tariffs are one of the greatest words in the dictionary after, God, Love, Religion and just before Dumbshit. Our amazing president is playing a game of six-dimensional chess, and we have the power to reshape world trade and to bring massive revenues to the country. The world will bow down to our leader, Donold Tmurp and we expect them to immediately cave in to our demands to stop the flow of deadly Fempanil that is killing tens of millions of people every year.”

Leavitt: “Ok, let’s go to Madison at The Star.”

Madison: “Thank you. Madison Boogerfinger with The Star. My question is, As you know, there are some people who are saying that DEI has ruined their lives. At The Star, we recently ran a cover story featuring everyday Americans in diners across the country. At one diner, we met a man named Cletus Sisturkissur, who complained that his biscuits and gravy were undercooked. He looked in the back and saw, what he called a “Pedro” standing at the grill. Cletus was pissed. He called the manager and asked him why he allowed an interlectually defishunt brown person to cook his food. My question is, what can God-fearing Americans do to eliminate this threat to our nation?”

Leavitt: “Thank you, Madison. Was that story in the recent edition that also had Bat Boy on the cover?”

Madison: “Yes.”

Leavitt: “Cool. Cool. Cool beans. I want Americans to know that we are actively in the process of removing all the less than races and brown people from the country and moving them to Guantanamo. We have a Master Plan that is based on a century old thesis known as Eugenics. I’m sure that most of you have heard of Eugenics and can understand how critical it is that we cleanse the country of the undesirables. Our president, the greatest president in the history of the world, is big believer in The Fourth Turning and he is dedicated to bringing about a brave new world ruled by only the smartest and most capable people.”

Leavitt: “Let’s go with Jim, over here.”

Jim: “Thank you. James McLapdog with North Korean News. My question is, when we have the smartest and most powerful president to ever occupy the White House. How is he able to be so amazing every single day? I have heard rumors that the president is about to release his daily exercise and health routine in a series of videos…is there any truth to that rumor?

Leavitt: “Jim, thank you. Yes, it is true. It’s called Trumpercise™. The president is about to release a detailed series of recordings that include everything from his eating habits, his exercise routine and tips and tricks on everything from how to stand like the Tower of Pisa, how to build muscle with his patented “accordion hands” workout, how to sit like a bean bag chair, how to use blush to color your skin in what is being patented as Cantaloupe Caligula™, dance moves where you are jerking off two giraffes at the same time and yelling. As you know, our great president performed at the top of his class at the Wharton School of Finance where he graduated “MAGA Yell Loudly.” Loud and obnoxious noises from his face hole burns calories at a very high rate and this is how he remains so svelte and trim. Also, be on the lookout for his new Dead Ferret™ hair pieces that will be going on sale in February.”

Leavitt: “OK. I want to thank all your respectable media outlets for being here today. I will meet you back here tomorrow. Hopefully there won’t be any more plane crashes (mild chuckle). In the name of The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost. Caroline, out! (kisses crucifix)”